An Unofficial Revised History Lesson
✪ Because every day during this past 8 months has brought one disaster after another thanks to “Bag Man Biden,” his merry band of marxist criminals and their flock of of mindless zombie sheep who are incapable of having an individual thought for themselves, I’ve decided to regale all of you racist, white supremacist homophobes with some lesser known earlier history of our republic before the White man arrived. Prepare to have yo rassist, misogynist, binary, homophobe asses to be edjukated in the TRUF! I’m talking about that golden age of universal kindness & brotherly love when all of the indigenous peebles of the New World lived together in complete harmony in the warm bosom of our Mother, the Erf. Before the white man arrived and fucked everything up with medicines, civil authority, culture, central AC and fully stocked grocery store shelves. I offer this History lesson as a public service because so little of actual history is taught today in our wonderful edukashun system, and what little is being taught has been twisted & distorted to a point where it’s more manipulative fiction than history.
I now present this revised history lesson as a welcome respite and alternative to the latest fear mongering “crisis d’jour” story the Media is pumping as another “run for your lives” moment about the volcanic eruption in the Canary Islands. Yes, this is the latest & newest BIG ONE; and you better tune in to watch every breathtaking second because this one really is the extinction event we’ll been waiting for! Every time this volcano farts or hiccups, the Media flocks to the “experts” to report the dire news; IF the volcano were to collapses, the massive landslide COULD create a sooper tsunami which COULD drown the entire East Coast of the United States in hundreds of feet of water! Oh Lardy have mercy! Like that’s somehow a bad thing? The only TRUTH in this volcano story is that it did in fact actually happen and yes, the east coast of North America was inundated and the tidal wave reached all the way to Pennsylvania. Conveniently omitted from the narrative is the fact the last time this happened was 125,000 years ago. If there were any hapless inhabitants of pre Colombian America who got caught up in this disaster, they probably had no warning at all. It would have been a very bad day for them. Gather ‘round, kiddies and let the General tell you what REALLY happened!
Unbeknownst to most intelligent people, there is a tale of another great catastrophic event which occurred not more than 550 years ago and it’s puzzling to me why it’s been completely scrubbed from history. Sadly, it is a record of great death and suffering. Were it not for the great, great, great, grand nephew of the famous big chief, White Peyote Pigeon I recently caught pissing on my truck’s front tire thinking he was “watering his tribal roots,” I would not have not become heir to this sacred knowledge. Instead of calling the tribal police on this modern day fire water warrior because he was already on probation, I allowed him to sing me “the song of his ancestors” about a little known great catastrophe that befell many moons ago and fucked up everyone’s business. And while it was difficult to make sense of his ramblings due to him being possessed by the great spirit of the “medicine,” he was still able to make much more sense than Biden does even on his best day. So I bought him another six pack from his uncle’s smoke shop and cracked one open to loosen his tongue. Oh fuck, the things I learned.
It seems 550 years ago, the indigenous tribes living in North America had no fucking clue about the Canary Islands or that they even existed. These were eastern tribes and the actual concept of volcanos was probably unknown to their minds; they had never seen one. So it probably came as a YUGE surprise on that day of August 10th, 1471, while everybody was attending a Red Lives Matter protest put on by the constantly marginalized and oppressed Abenaki tribe against the racist Red Supremacist Huron and Iroquois who lorded their numerical superiority over everyone, 4000 miles away a volcano was busy erupting in the Canary Islands. Since these tribes were illiterate and nobody who could write knew about the eruption, nobody warned them that their days were numbered, their hours were numbered. They were already preoccupied with problems of their own: the “antifa” tribe had just burned up the wiki containing a year supply of jerky and pemmican at the time winter was just around the corner. These lawless shit birds were exiled, miscreant youths, the Hurons were paying rat meat to sow chaos and discord amongst the other tribes. They were easily identified because they wore their loincloths on their faces instead of their asses. They were called “wat the tanaka” which means “fucking communist aholes” in Native American language.
This protest and destruction of food reserves for the sake of the “revolution” forced an emergency gathering of all the regional tribes in one place to discuss how to mitigate the coming winter without everybody starving. Meanwhile, 4000 miles away in the Canary Islands, an erupting volcano suddenly collapsed and triggered a gigantic landslide. As much as three cubic miles of rock tumbled into the Atlantic Ocean creating a massive tidal wave as high as a quarter mile high heading straight for North America at almost supersonic speed. According to the last honest group of archeologists who have not been not bought & sold by China to change the record of events to their advantage, a horrible disaster was was about to befall the tribes who had gathered in eastern North America in what later be called later by survivors “at ne che wa ya note tey” or, loosely translated, “the day the ocean hurled.” An immense flood of rapidly moving water came out of nowhere & descended on the unfortunate gathering until everyone was swept away. The cataclysmic roiling maelstrom of angry water crushed everything in its path in an inexorable, unstoppable march of death, doom & destruction. Geological impressions of the disaster suggest the waters reached as far east as Pennsylvania. This fact was later correlated in the traditional songs of Ohio and Michigan tribes entitled “It sucks living here,” and the lesser known “Let’s get the fuck outta here.”
When it was all finally over, a few ragged survivors emerged from the wreckage wanting to know what the fuck had just happened. Why had the Great Spirit become so angry towards them? They asked the local shaman who was already banking mondo wampum for cures from the flu by frightening tribespeople who wouldn’t pay up with lies & stories about entire tribes being wiped out because they refuse his miracle cure. People who didn’t pay the shaman were further stigmatized and forced to live as second class members of their tribe on the outskirts of their villages and were constantly berated by a group of self righteous, morally superior annoying squaws who called themselves “The Karens.” When the ragtagged & confused, mud covered survivors first approached the shaman he did not recognize them and asked, “Where are you from? What’s the name of your tribe?” The only person who could understand him replied, “where the fuckarewe?” And at that moment, a new tribe was born: the “Fuckarewe.” In spite of living thru a tremendous natural disaster and many other unpleasant travails, the Fuckarewe recovered and went on to even thrive during the following years. They might have even become as famous as the Apache or the Blackfoot except for that one time they went too far. In a tribal election to choose a new chief, the Fuckarewe used birch bark ballots smeared with beaver shit to cheat and make them unreadable. Their chief, “Soiled Ice Cream Big Guy” declared victory over a furious Chief Great Orange Cloud who had been deliberately cheated.
The Fuckarewe insisted their Chief Soiled Ice Cream Big Guy was the most popular chief of all time. So popular, many dead ancestors also voted for him. Chief Great Orange Cloud was so angry he had been cheated by fraud that he decided enough was enough. He sent his best warriors out to hunt down every Fuckweare tribe member in the land along with their enablers and massacre them, all of them. Or so he thought. Some ran away from the massacre to resettle out in the west to escape the wrath of Great Orange Cloud. Those survivors formed new tribes by giving away the food and property of other tribes who did not support them. They started their own utopian co-op and called it CHOP. They planted their non GMO crops on flattened refrigerator boxes topped with six inches of potting soil. Eventually, the Fuckarewe tribe withered out wallowing in their own shit as their “summer of love” gave way to the “winter of their discontent.” Their descendants, the seeds of their fathers, would however resurface many many moons later to form the Democrat Party as we know it today and continue their proud tradition of stealing elections using birch bark ballots smeared in beaver shit. They would continue their “bad medicine” of turning everything they touch into shit.
So you see? We have that fucking volcano in the Canary Islands and the Fuckarewe assholes to thank for our current situation. Hopefully, we will soon again restore Great Orange Cloud’s vision to our land. Currently, the land and her people continue to suffer under the dark medicine of Soiled Ice Cream Big Guy and his second in command, the first squaw chief called “Two Knees & No Teeth” who is feared for her cackling war cry.
There you have it. The real indigenous history of the indigenous people of the United States which has been intentionally buried & neglected by the evil oppressing lies of the white European patriarchy who until now, have blighted the land with their sinister obsessions of prosperity, individual freedom, open markets and the pursuit of happiness! So keep an eye on Canary Islands for a while. While the chances of a complete collapse and tidal wave that would flush out Washington DC and a fair number of blue shithole cities in a single afternoon are unfortunately remote, we can still hope! We must never give up hope for the miracles of divine intervention! I couldn’t think of a more fitting and proper ending for the reeking, steaming PILE of greed, graft, crime, corruption and most of all, control and power. This little known version of tongue & cheek history was brought to you to make a very specific point: because I still CAN. Because I can still fabricate things out of whole cloth just like our supposed “educators,” and Media, only my version is intended to make you laugh a little, not lay down a napalm strike inside your head to destroy your faculties of critical analysis. An opportunity to make the best of a shit situation by making a joke at ourselves. So far, they haven’t made doing that a crime, at least not yet!
Don’t you believe anything they feed us because we are NOT helpless to stop them. That’s only what the current clan of “tribal elders” who are a blight upon our land want you to believe. We just haven’t taken care of business yet because when we do, it will be very dirty business. It is only human nature to be hesitant of great unpleasantness, regardless of how necessary it may be for one’s survival, however, those who who have made the “list” will be envious of those who succumb in the coming volcanic eruption and tidal wave. The marxist descendants of the Fuckarewe tribe will envy the dead. Guilt is a terrible feeling, but betrayal is worse. However, the greatest of all sins is still treason and treason is now parading about on full display without any concerns for its own safety. Above all, they fear us the most and that fear is eating them alive we speak. Let’s give them more food for their thought. Let’s help them to understand the basis of their fears are not unfounded, shall we? ✪
As you were, carry on.