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The Branch Covidians

It’s the largest cult that’s ever existed. One year ago, the entire non-thinking population of the planet—the people who walk through life without questioning much, viewing reality through a warped prism distorted by unimpressive cable news anchors of average intellect—banded together to do what they do best: take orders… 

They’re called the Branch Covidians, and as with all other cultists, it doesn’t matter how many false prophecies are spewed by their leaders. In their own minds, they still manage to justify following the directions of the people in charge. 

As with any other cult, it’s not that its members can’t see the writing on the wall. They recognize the outright lies of their leaders as those lies are exposed in real time, but they’ve so invested themselves in the cause that they can’t bear to part ways with the lifestyle.

Last week, the Branch Covidians learned that the whole “six feet for social distancing” thing was fabricated out of thin air. You know, that guideline that every single business, school, place of worship, or other indoor structure in the entire country that managed to remain open during the pandemic annoyingly forced its occupants to uphold? Indeed, “six feet for social distancing” was one of the four pillars of the Branch Covidians, alongside lockdowns, mask mandates, and scrubbing your hands until your skin falls off. 

Will the fact that there was zero scientific evidence for the implementation of that ubiquitous rule fuel some skepticism in the minds of the Branch Covidians? No. Will they abide by the new and equally-unscientific guidelines of “three feet for social distancing”? Undoubtedly. After all, Dr. StrangeFlu Fauci and his top generals, the spurious and questionably-credentialed medical “experts” of the blue checkmark brigade on Twitter, swear that this time they have The Science™ right. 

Remember that phrase “we’re all in this together”? It’s often employed over the loudspeaker at my local supermarket, playing on a loop every 10 minutes or so. The pre-recorded message is voiced by a robot who, at the risk of assuming gender, is on the female side. She reminds customers of the aforementioned pillars of the Branch Covidians, like something out of dystopian film. 

“We’re all in this together,” she says at the end of the message, after reminding us to stand six feet apart while we purchase our eggs.  As it turns out, we’re not “all in this together.”


The Branch Covidians, like most cults, allow their high-profile members to have special privileges, which is why John Kerry doesn’t have to wear his mask on an airplane like the rest of the cult. 


Ordinary Branch Covidians won’t question this obvious double standard. They will do what they do best. Comply.  As with other cults, Dr. StrangeFlu and the blue checkmark brigade have secret motives for the rituals that the Branch Covidians are compelled to practice. It was never about public health. It was certainly never about science. In fact, The Science™ always more closely resembled guesswork than honest testing of hypotheses. The real motives are power and validation.

For once in their pathetic lives, lab coats like Dr. StrangeFlu and the blue checkmark brigade were able to step into the limelight. They have become authority figures, and they hold positions of influence with which they are unaccustomed. That type of power is seductive, and naturally, they have abused it. They also have no motivation for the pandemic to end. When it’s over, it will be back to the empty lab with their sorry behinds, never to be heard from by the general public again. At the drop of a hat, they will become irrelevant again, and lose all that power and validation that they didn’t earn in the first place. 

So, like any good cult leaders would do, they need to prolong the charade. That’s why you’ll have to wear your mask even after you’re injected with their hastily-produced vaccine, which was specifically developed to end the pandemic so we could resume life as normal. It’s also why “15 days to slow the spread” turned into “when the hell am I going to be able to leave my house again?” 


The Branch Covidian cult, like so many other cults, has also proven deadly to some of its followers and innocent bystanders. Thanks to the leaders of the Branch Covidians, overdose deaths have skyrocketed


The Branch Covidian Cult only differs from typical cults in one way: its leaders are remarkably uncharismatic. Unlike most cults, whose leaders have magnetic personalities, the Branch Covidians are led by losers who are too mundane and uninspiring to lead a knitting club. Perhaps that’s a fortunate silver lining. If Dr. StrangeFlu had the personality of, say, Bono, the Branch Covidians would be begging for even more ritual humiliation. 

So how do we solve the Branch Covidian problem?

Well, I’m not a Democrat like Janet Reno, so I wouldn’t recommend unleashing the ATF and letting them murder the innocent Branch Covidian women and children, annoying and loony as they may be. 

Rather, we should simply go on living our lives & ignore them as much as possible. 

Have a get-together at your home. Visit your mother in the nursing home. Take the mask off in the grocery store and laugh at the Branch Covidians who try to harass you. 

The Branch Covidians can glue their plastic masks to their faces and weld themselves inside their own homes for the rest of their unnatural lives, for all I care. We’re probably better off without them anyway.  

But the next time one of these crazed lunatics gives you a hard time, let him know that you’re not required to participate in their cult rituals, and carry on about your day. ✪